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2006-02-20T05:27:00.000-08:00

*** News ***

Hot on the heels of their success at the Brit Awards, Coldplay announced their intentions to record a tribute album to one of the greatest bands of all time.
"We've been so influential and such an inspiration to so many," said the band's frontman, Chris Martin. "We feel it really is time to give ourselves the recognition we deserve. That's why we're going to make this very special record."
The album will feature the band performing cover versions of songs from the multi-million selling X & Y plus tracks from their previous albums, Parachutes and A Rush of Blood to the Head. There will also be a limited edition CD packaged to resemble Chris Martin's head, with a bonus CD containing over 1000 detailed pictures of Chris.
"It's going to be difficult to do ourselves justice with this record," Martin said. "But we should be able to manage it if we push ourselves."
Proceeds from sales of the album will go to a recently-established fund to enable the band to continue with the vital work of producing music that will enrich the lives of their generation.

2006-02-13T03:09:00.000-08:00

FANTASY VILLAIN DEATHMATCH

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of year again, when tyrants, overlords, overfiends and arch-monstrosities from every corner of the universe get their chance to prove themselves the baddest mothers in this or any other world by kicking the black snot out of each other. The contestants this time around are:

Calibos
Clash of the Titans (1981)

Darkness
Legend (1985)

The Beast
Krull (1983)

Sauron
Lord of the Rings (2001)

The Nome King
Return to Oz (1985)

The White Witch
The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)

The Nothing
The Neverending Story (1984)

Round 1: The White Witch vs the Nome King
The White Witch attempts to use her magic wand to turn the Nome king into stone. A futile effort, since the Nome King is made of stone already. While she is busy fumbling around in her handbag looking for another diabolical device to use against him, His Royal Nomeness turns her into stone and takes her head to give to his girlfriend. There is a loud cheer as a bunch of talking animals get to go out and enjoy the sunshine again.

Round 2: The Nome King vs Sauron
Making one of his rare appearances outside Mount Doom, the "Middle-Earth Mauler" towers over his stony opponent, only to find himself abruptly looking upwards as the Nome King demonstrates his size-changing ability to terrifying effect. It's difficult to make out Sauron's reactions behind his spiky helmet, but it's probably safe to assume that it's getting very wet inside that armoured suit. Unfazed by either fiery sorcery or magic rings, the rocky monolith proceeds to pick the Dark Lord up and crack him into bite-sized pieces like a lobster. A lot of crunching and munching later, and the Nome King is licking his gravelly lips while Sauron, finding himself not only separated from the finger bearing his precious ring, but also from every other finger plus his hands, arms, legs and torso, makes a swift retreat to his dark lair to recuperate.

Round 3: Darkness vs Calibos
Overcome by an attack of "horn envy", Calibos succumbs to Darkness' teasing and orders his stop-motion double to tear Big Red's giant ears off. Unfortunately, said stop-motion double is only a few inches tall and is no match for his demonic opponent, who bends him into a pretzel. The ensuing clash, as the real Calibos and Darkness bang heads, sees the "Greek Grappler" come off second best before Big Red demonstrates why huge tails are a major disadvantage for a villain, using his rival's tail to swing him repeatedly into the ground until he resembles a blob of hairy jam. Calibos makes one last whining entreaty to his mum before expiring.

Round 4: The Beast vs Darkness
A nasty one this. These two have been itching to get at each other for years, each having been accusing the other of ripping off his "big evil scheme" (corrupt and win over innocent princess to be bride, take over the world, duel with the dashing hero, etc.). There are a few tedious moments of challenging roars before these two handsome specimens lay into each other, grappling and groping like muscly lovers. The Beast quickly gains the upper hand by commanding his stony fortress of evil to crash down on Darkness' head. Big Red is not to be so easily squelched, however, and, after crawling out from underneath the unwieldy structure, uses his "magic mirror" trick to sneak up behind the Beast and gore him into grey pate. There are a few moments of confusion as the Beast's fortress of evil does its crumbling and falling up into space in pieces thing.

Round 5: The Nome King vs Sauron part 2
Having spent a while recovering in the form of a giant flaming eye, Sauron returns to the ring rejuvenated and suited up for another round with the Nome King, only to find that his rival has popped out for a lunch break and.....silly boy!.....ingested half of an egg and cress sandwich, leaving a rubbly mess all over the canteen floor. Foul play is suspected....

Round 6: Sauron vs Darkness
Clearly disadvantaged from the outset, not only is Darkness several heads shorter than the "Middle-Earth Mauler", but has grown soft and flabby from only having cute widdle pixies and dwarves to push around, while hard-as-nails Sauron eats whole alliances of elves and men for breakfast. Darkness initially attempts to cut his foe down to size with his Big Scary Sword, but only succeeds in breaking it on Sauron's armour (isn't there a rule about competitors taking armour with them into the ring, by the way? Must look that up). After a lot of ducking and dodging and ineffectual roaring, Big Red finally makes a feeble effort to impale the Dark Lord on his oversized antlers, the Dark Lord's response being a swift kick in Big Red's pointy teeth before opening the nearest window to let in the sun. There is a whiff of something resembling barbecued ox as Darkness (who forgot that sunblock again, berk) succumbs to his allergy. Sauron shakes his fists and wobbles his pointy head in victory. All this goes to show that, no matter how powerful a devil you are, it's still a bad idea to keep on and on talking out loud about your One Big Weakness.

Round 7: Sauron vs The Nothing
Oh, dear, this is a bit of an anticlimax. Having made it through to the final round, our favourite tin-plated tyrant steels himself (no pun intended!) for the ultimate smackdown with the natural enemy of fictional characters everywhere, only to be sucked into oblivion, magic ring and all. Sad. Finding itself on a roll, The Nothing then proceeds to vacuum up everything in sight, before the realisation that it is itself a made-up plot device leads it to negate itself, leaving the judges of the contest with a distressing lack of anyone to award the Hardest Fantasy Villain trophy to. That said, the universe is now a slightly safer place to live in.

2006-02-10T04:29:00.000-08:00

*** EXCLUSIVE!!!! ***

Last week a Hollywood insider managed to smuggle a copy of the shooting script for Charley's Angels 3 from McG's office. Check it out!

CHARLEY'S ANGELS 3: ANGELICIOUS

written by a record number of different screenwriters

first draft
January 27 2006

Scene 1
Lucy, Cameron and Drew dressed as astronauts.
Lucy: Cool!

Scene 2
Lucy, Cameron and Drew dressed as traffic cops.
Cameron: Awesome!

Scene 3
Lucy, Cameron and Drew dressed as Baywatch-style lifeguards.
Drew: Gnarly!

Scene 4
Lucy, Cameron and Drew dressed as red indians.
Lucy: Giggle!

Scene 5
Lucy, Cameron and Drew dressed as jockeys.
Cameron: Tee hee hee!

Scene 6
Lucy, Cameron and Drew dressed as pink bunnies.
Drew: Cool!

Scene 7
Lucy, Cameron and Drew dressed as rock stars.
Lucy: Gnarly!

Scene 8
Lucy, Cameron and Drew dressed as call girls.
Cameron: Awesome!

Scene 9
Lucy, Cameron and Drew dressed as vampires.
Drew: Giggle!

Roll end credits to the sound of "Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves" by Annie and Aretha.

THE END

2006-02-08T03:11:00.000-08:00

Film Pitch no. 8

Revenge of the Horror Cliches

Directed by: Oh, who cares? Anyone.
Starring: Same as above.

A group of teenagers find themselves trapped overnight in an amusement park where they are picked off one-by-one by a clown, a carousel horse, and a Victorian porcelain-headed doll in a sailor suit.

2006-02-07T06:34:00.000-08:00

*** News ***

London's first "Reality Cuisine" restaurant closed down yesterday, its manager citing "poor public response" as the reason for the closure. The establishment had courted controversy due to its unorthodox methods of preparing food for its customers. A collection of vegetable and herb allotments was kept in view of the restaurant's clientele and staff, next to a grouping of enclosures containing various farmyard animals. Customers would be allowed to enter, make a choice from the menu, and would then have a selection of animals appropriate to the specified dish paraded in front of them. The selected animal/s would be slaughtered, butchered and then cooked in front of the customer. The choice of chef and kitchen utensils used would be dictated in similar fashion.
Aside from the obvious objections of the Vegetarian community, the restaurant was beset by other problems from the outset, including the short-lived popularity of most of their meals. "Nice, but uninteresting after the first course," was the objection of one top-ranking food critic, while another stated that the establishment was "simply re-hashing recipes that have been done a thousand times before". Other, famous figures from the food industry were equally scathing: "Well, it's not proper food, is it?" remarked popular TV chef Jamie Oliver, 16, "so I ain't interested mate. Pukka." Meanwhile, Gordon Ramsey, 87, told reporters that he thought the whole idea was "*******!!! A load of *****-******ing ********!!!!"

2006-01-29T08:07:00.000-08:00

It appears that cinemas have been increasingly concerned about diminishing ticket sales while home entertainment systems become more popular. I propose that they should be more proactive in competing with the DVD market, and here are a few suggestions:

Do not show adverts before the feature. Or try and persuade the government to pass a law making adverts on DVDs (ones that cannot be fast-forwarded over) compulsory so that DVD viewers suffer as much as cinema-goers.
Allow cinema-goers to take digital cameras into the theatre with them so they can take a shapshot of any scene that they like from the film and turn it into a screensaver on their pc.
Equip the cinema-goers seats with stop, pause, rewind and fast forward buttons. This may sound impractical, but it could work on a majority vote basis. Should the film begin to drag a bit, and should more than half of the viewers wish to skip to something more interesting, they should be able to press the "skip to the next scene" button rather than just sit and endure it. Similarly, should more than half the viewers wish to pause the film so they can go to the loo, do the ironing or make themselves a cup of tea, they will be allowed to do so.
Remove ratings on films. Or keep the ratings, and bar underage potential viewers from purchasing tickets, but simultaneously allow their parents or "older friends" to purchase tickets for them. Then allow them to go in and watch the film. Because surely one of the big draws of DVD is the liberty given to thoughtful parents to allow their 10 year old to watch Showgirls.
Stop fighting piracy. Stop telling us repeatedly not to record the film. Obviously, the film industry cannot prevent pirate copies of movies coming out 6 months in advance of their cinematic release, so just jump on the bandwagon: cinema owners should download the shoddily recorded rough cut of X Men3 from the internet and show that in their multiplexes instead of waiting several months to show the "official" version.
Give more to the viewers! Add a blooper reel, deleted scenes, a couple of games and a documentary to the end of the feature.
Change the cinemas so they look more like the insides of people's bedrooms or lounges instead of cinemas. Have couches, or even beds, instead of individual seats. Instead of snack shops selling ridiculously oversized and overpriced popcorn and coke, install a kitchen with working fridge, toaster and kettle, so viewers can go and make themselves a snack (should the pause button on their seat allow them to do so).
Replicate the process of hiring a DVD - force the cinema-goer to stand in an overheated room for half an hour wasting time before letting them purchase their ticket.

2005-11-24T05:07:00.000-08:00

Film Pitch no. 7

The Paris that ate Cars

The personality, talent and charisma vacuum known as Paris Hilton threatens to absorb the entire universe unless her power is kept in check by continuous media attention. When that attention is diverted away by an even greater Negative Energy force - Jennifer Lopez's latest engagement - Paris loses control and begins to hoover up all the positive matter around her. Like an imploded sun, she grows and grows, sucking in buildings, people, trees, and of course, cars, until half the city is gone. Can the paparazzi and TV stations be persuaded to turn their cameras back to her before it's too late?

2005-11-18T04:25:00.000-08:00

Film Pitch No. 6

Pac Man

Starring Jason Statham
directed by Paul W.S. Anderson

A horrifying accident has occurred at the top secret government-funded scientific research complex known only as "the Maze". Genetically-engineered creatures, developed to be the ultimate killing machines and codenamed "Ghosts", have escaped from their holding cells, devoured their own creators, and are now running rampant through the Maze in search of an exit. Knowing that these monsters cannot be allowed to escape into the outside world, the CIA have sent their top agent, Patrick McManus, call-sign "Big Yellow", into the complex - his mission: to wipe out the ghosts, to neutralise the radioactive "power pellets" strewn throughout the Maze's dark corridors, and to make it out alive. Also starring Julia Roberts as Patricia Manning, and Jeremy Irons as "Chief Ghost".

2005-11-17T05:46:00.000-08:00

The Princess and the Nose

Once upon a time in a faraway land, there dwelt a King and Queen who wanted to have kids, but couldn't. They were quite unhappy about this, and went to see a fairy therapist, who asked them a lot of deeply personal questions. During one session it came out that, although they had been sleeping together since they had got married, they hadn't actually tried having sex yet. The fairy therapist suggested that it would be a good idea to try that. They did so, and, to their delight, not only did it do wonders for their marriage (up till then, a nice game of tiddlywinks had been the extent of their pleasure together), but the queen found that she developed an interesting round belly which made her laugh when she saw herself in the mirror. She also developed a taste for cheese and marmalade on toast. The fairy therapist explained to her that this was because the stork had come, and planted a child inside her - and despite the fact that this was highly dubious, scientifically speaking, the royal couple accepted it with rejoicing. There was great celebration throughout the land and everyone had free crumpets and jam for tea. Then they had to go back to work.

In the fulness of time, the queen gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She didn't much enjoy the pain of having the child, and stopped speaking to the king for several days afterwards, but she was very pleased with herself for having made a baby, and wanted to have another one straight away. Until the child started screaming and crying and farting and doing other antisocial baby stuff. The king decided that it would be nice idea to throw a baby shower, and, together with a group of his strongest subjects, he managed to throw the shower quite a distance. Then they had a royal christening, to which everyone on both the king and queen's sides of the family were invited. The king wasn't really all that happy about this, since the queen was actually half fairy and she had about 100 fairy godmothers as a consequence - the king had never got on with fairies since he had had a bad experience as a child with a fairy who had given him a nosebleed. However, he graciously allowed the queen to invite all her godmothers along, and on the grand day, they all approached the baby princess and each bestowed a magical gift upon her. Then, just when the king was starting to think that this wasn't so bad after all, there was a puff of black smoke, and the obligatory evil fairy godmother appeared. She was in a bit of a strop since she hadn't been invited to the christening, and she accused everyone present of leaving her out because she happened to be green and ugly (and she wore a suit and had a moustache and was just generally grotesque). The king kindly assured her that actually this wasn't the reason at all and they hadn't invited her because she smelled funny. Unfortunately, this didn't help to improve her mood - in fact, she became so cross that her ears flapped. Approaching the royal cot, she laid a foul curse upon the princess - that when the child turned 16, something "vaguely unpleasant" would happen to her (she was clearly not feeling very inspired at that precise moment). Then with an evil cackle, the wicked creature disappeared in another cloud of black smoke. When the smoke cleared, she was still there. She apologised and tried again, and this time managed to disappear properly.

The king was distraught, and he accused the good fairies of being a bunch of complete wimps, since they could quite easily have kicked the crap out of the evil fairy godmother, being 99 against 1. It is a mistake to lose your temper with a fairy godmother, though, and he thought better of it after they had turned him into a slimy bog crud and left. Fortunately the queen had just enough fairy blood in her to reverse the spell, although she and the king had to sleep in seperate beds for a good long while afterwards.

But alas, what was to be done about the princess and the awful curse that had been laid upon her? The king bravely asked the queen if there was a possibility that she or her super-powerful godmothers could do something to break the curse, but the queen replied that it "didn't work like that". Presumably this was a reference to the utter absence of logic to be found only in fairy tales and also in John Woo movies. The king pulled at his beard with despair, for there was nothing to be done but to see how things turned out.

As it happened, for the first fifteen years of her life, there was nothing wrong with the princess (for the most part). She was golden haired, blue eyed, and the fairest maiden in all the land (well, she was a princess, so she was hardly going to be a complete minger, was she?). She was also pleasant of disposition, had a sweet singing voice, and was surrounded by small furry animals and cute little birdies wherever she went. Her only flaw was a tendency to fall over a lot.

Then, as soon as she hit her sixteenth birthday, and just as her parents had almost forgotten about what the wicked fairy had done, the evil curse struck! The princess woke up one morning in her royal bed, and discovered a nose lying on the pillow next to her head. It was snoring loudly. The princess was understandably shocked and gave a great scream that brought her parents and their attendants running. The scream also woke up the nose, which bounced around the princess's chamber in a state of panic. The king, fortunately, managed to keep his head (while the princess, the queen and most of the attendants screamed like a bunch of little girls with pigtails) and ordered his chief manservant to catch the nose in a jar. This he managed to do, after chasing the nose around the room and wrecking most of the furnishings. He then ran outside with the jar, crossed the drawbridge, crossed the road (looking very carefully both ways) ran into the forest, and deposited the nose in a bush.

However, this was not the end of the matter, for this was a magic nose, sent by the evil fairy godmother, and it bounced back out of the forest, across the road, over the drawbridge, into the castle and all the way into the royal kitchen, where the cook was preparing the royal breakfast. A few minutes later, the princess, having just about recovered from her terrible shock, was shocked again upon discovering the nose in her cornflakes. This time her screams could be heard in the village ten miles down the road. Again, the king called upon his chief manservant and other servants to capture and dispose of the intruder. After a long chase, during which the nose bounced all the way round the royal dining room, up the royal stairs, into the king and queen's bedroom, out of the royal window, and round the royal gardens, dripping milk everywhere, the servants managed to again capture the runaway snout, and this time they made sure to take it far away, a hundred miles from the castle, and drop it down a very deep well. Unfortunately, magic noses are not so easily disposed of, and later that same morning, when the princess was having her royal bath, there was a sudden burst of bubbles from under the water's surface - all the handmaidens present were horrified, believing that their beloved mistress had just let one rip in her bath (most un-princess-like behaviour, to be sure!) when the nose abruptly surfaced and shot water from both its' nostrils into the girl's face. This time she screamed so loudly that the king and queen of Wales could hear her, and so could their oldest advisor, who was deaf in one ear and also literally had two left feet so he could only walk in circles and could only go in a straight line by walking on his hands but that really has nothing to do with this story. As the poor princess was being hurried out of the royal bathroom with a towel round her, the king ordered his servants to dispose of the wretched thing and this time do it properly or he would have their heads removed. Thus began another prolonged chase, which ended with them catching the nose in a sack and then tying it to an anvil so the royal blacksmith could hammer it into something resembling a pink triangular pancake. Then they buried it.

Alas, for...oh, you know what happened next! The nose came back again. And again. And again. And again. And every single time, the servants got rid of it, and every single time, the cursed nose reappeared to torment the princess. It chased her round the castle. It slept on her pillow, snored loudly, and kept her awake most of the night. It scared off all her friends. It hid in her sock drawer, and her wardrobe, and her lunch, and popped out and made her jump. It was, in short, a menace - the kind of menace that only an evil fairy godmother who had never had a boyfriend in her life could conjure up.

Naturally, the nose also made it rather difficult for the king and queen to find their daughter a husband. Suitors came from far and wide, drawn by stories of the princess's wit and charm and beauty, only to be repulsed by the hideous bouncing proboscis that followed her everywhere. The girl's parents desperately tried increasing her dowry, but to no avail - the general opinion among the ex-would-be-husbands was that no amount of gold was worth the hassle of having to live with her malevolent companion. Alone in her castle, the wicked fairy godmother who had caused all this grief laughed and laughed, satisfied that she had exacted her revenge on the ones who had snubbed her.

At about the same time that this was going on, in another kingdom that was far distant from the one described above, there lived a prince who had never heard about this princess and her curse. His name was Prince Eric, and he found it very boring being a prince. One day, weary of living in a castle, being waited on hand and foot and having all his decisions made for him by his parents and the heads of state, he decided to go off into the world and seek adventure. So he nicked his dad's motorbike, and set off.

It wasn't too long before he came across a neighbouring kingdom that was having difficulties. All the people of that kingdom had thrown a huge party to celebrate the coronation of their new king, and the noise of their revelry had woken up the grumpy giant Anthrax who lived just over the hill. Annoyed at having his sleep disturbed, the giant had rolled up a newspaper and gone into the town and started squishing people. After a while, worn out, he growled at the remaining townspeople to "Keep the noise down or I'll be back" and stomped off back to his cave.

Thus it was that when Eric arrived, he found the king and his subjects in a state of terror, afraid to make even a squeak for fear of waking the giant again. Taking the prince for a wandering knight, the king begged him to rid their land of this terrible monster and make it safe for them to party again. Eric was delighted at having found an adventure so soon, but, lacking a sword or any other weapon suitable for dispatching monsters, and intimidated by the idea of taking on something so massive, he decided to consult the local wise man. As it happened, the local wise man, whose name was Hilary the Sage, was known far and wide as a dispenser of sound advice, and also had incredibly wierd powers, so no one dared laugh at his silly name. It was said that he could talk to animals and plants, and commune with the rulers of the unseen fairy kingdom and could also wrap his legs over his head and scuttle along the floor on his fingers like a crab which people came from all over the kingdom to see first hand.

As it happened, Hilary was very tired of being a wise man. For the most part, people only came to visit him because they wanted advice on stuff, and it was a very dull lifestyle sitting on a rock all day dispensing wisdom to stupid people. When Eric came along, the sage offered to help him defeat the giant in return for being allowed to go with him on his adventures. This Eric readily agreed to, reasoning that there was little chance of both of them surviving the battle with Anthrax anyway.

Thus it was that the prince and his new sidekick met the giant in battle - they first lured him out of his cave by turning up their walkmans really loud, and when he emerged, newspaper in hand, they were waiting. Hilary had armed Eric with the magic sword Gimboodlefung, and it shone brightly in the prince's hand so that he looked like one of the great warriors of old. He shouted his challenge to the giant, who growled, took a step forward, and tripped on an old fallen tree and fell over and broke his neck.

Eric and Hilary decided between them that the people of the kingdom didn't need to know the exact details of what had happened, so they returned to the town, and informed the king and his subjects that they were free. There was great rejoicing and a party that went on for three days. The king wanted to give Eric his daughter's hand in marriage, but she wasn't all that fit really, despite being a princess, and he didn't want to get stuck there, so he politely declined.

Eric and Hilary decided that they worked well together, and so they went off on the road together, travelling from town to town and kingdom to kingdom, as a crime-fighting team. Soon the fame of Prince Eric and his sidekick Hilary became known all over the country and all criminals, monsters, evil wizards and wicked tyrants shook in fear at their approach.

In the fullness of time, in their wanderings, our heroes came upon the kingdom where the princess with the curse of the nose lived. Upon hearing about her curse, Eric declared aloud that he would rid this girl of her troublesome companion, and challenged the nose to a duel. The nose sniffed its' acceptance, and so, despite Hilary's warning that maybe this wasn't the best approach, they met in a clearing in the nearby forest at dawn. By this time Eric had become an accomplished swordsman - however, try as he might, he was unable to hit the nose with his sword, because it was a small target and was able to bounce all over the place with fiendish speed. After about an hour of chasing the thing round the clearing, Eric was exhausted and could hardly move. The nose then snuck up on him, and with a huge sniff, inhaled all his clothes, leaving our hero standing in his boxer shorts.

Humiliated, Eric decided to retire from the wandering hero business and join a monastery. However, Hilary dissuaded him from this, advising him that since the curse was laid upon the princess by her evil fairy godmother, the only way to break the curse's power was to go straight to its' source, and make the fairy godmother lift it, by persuasion or by force. Eric brightened at this, and agreed that this seemed like a better approach, although he was also fairly nervous, since ugly green women gave him the heebie-jeebies (in fact, as a child he had met an ugly green woman in the local marketplace who had given him some heebie-jeebies as pets and they had followed him home and lived under his bed and made a nasty smell until his parents had had them removed). So he and Hilary set off for the evil godmother's castle.

Unfortunately, the evil godmother's castle was guarded by something that was so awful that it cannot be named or described here. As soon as Eric and Hilary arrived at the front gate, the ******* appeared from behind a huge rock and attacked. At the very sight of the *******, with its' huge ******** and its' terrible **************, both our heroes lost heart and retreated. Fast.

It wasn't until they were about halfway back to the kingdom that they both began to feel a little foolish for giving up so easily. Eric in particular was still smarting from the knock taken by his honour from his thorough defeat by the nose, and was very much in need of a victory to restore his self esteem. So he did a 180 degree turn and headed back the way he'd just come to confront his fear, reasoning that doing battle with the ******* couldn't be worse than his fear of the *******.

Actually, it was. Eric arrived back at the castle and found the ******* waiting for him, and, if anything, it was even more scary than before. Nonetheless, he gritted his teeth and attacked. There then followed the most unpleasant, gruelling, horrible and downright upsetting battle he had ever had in his life. It was so nasty he had to try very hard not to cry. It was worse than the dentist. It was worse than the time he had eaten an entire family-sized Crunchie bar and then gone on a very choppy sea voyage. It was even worse than nasty medicine that tasted like turpentine and, to make matters worse, had been cack-handedly flavoured to taste like raspberries. It was almost as bad as what he imagined snogging his grandmother would be like.

Just when Eric was about to throw in the towel and let the ******* beat him since the very unpleasantness of fighting it had sapped his will to live, Hilary turned up, wheezing (he was getting a bit old for all this running around), and, once he had sufficiently recovered, and seen that his partner was in difficulties, threw himself into the fray with a blood-curdling yell. Thoroughly impressed by Hilary's act of self-sacrifice, Eric extracted himself from the tangle, and legged it through the castle gate, almost failing to hear Hilary's shout of "Hang on, where are you going? Aaaaah!.."

Finding the front door, predictably, locked and demanding to hear the correct incantation before it would open for him, Eric settled for throwing himself through one of the windows. He came up, rolling, sword at the ready and came face-to-face with the very surprised evil godmother, who was busy showing an estate agent round the castle because she was planning to sell it and move to a smaller cottage in the country. The estate agent was rather startled at the sight of a bloody and dirty sword-wielding maniac, and ran for the front door, which demanded to hear the correct incantation before it would let him out so he threw himself through the window opposite the one Eric had just used and ran straight into the ******* which ate him.

The godmother was understandably, rather miffed by this intrusion - however, before she could explode with self-righteous indignation, Eric pointed his sword at her throat and accused her of 1. burdening an innocent princess with a horrible curse, and 2. setting a ******* to guard her castle, which was just rude. The godmother took issue with point 2, informing Eric that she actually had nothing to do with the *******,and it just hung around her front yard of its' own accord and raided her bins. Eric conceded this point and returned to point 1, and told the evil godmother that it was "a bit pathetic" to place a curse on someone just because their parents hadn't invited her to a party, and furthermore, if she wanted to get invited out more, why didn't she try taking a shower once in a while, and shaving her moustache off? The evil godmother responded to this by poking Eric in the eye. He responded to that by chopping her head off. She responded to that by kicking him in the shin with her pointy leather boot. He responded to that by chopping her leg off. She responded to that by elbowing him in the groin.

They could have carried on like this for a lot longer had Hilary not entered suddenly via the only (up till that point) unbroken window in the front of the castle, and loudly accused Eric of abandoning him to the unmentionable thing outside, which he had only escaped from because it had become distracted by eating the estate agent. Eric was temporarily unable to answer because he was busy rolling on the floor making squeaking noises and clutching his manhood (the evil godmother had very pointy elbows). The evil godmother reattached her head and leg and suggested to Hilary that they both finish the prince off together.

Hilary agreed with her that this would be a good idea, and even suggested using his Terrible Wand of Pain on Eric to make their revenge even more fun, and pulled a long, knobbly, brown thing out of his bag (it looked a bit like a gigantic and very nasty Twiglet). He pointed it at Eric, who squeezed his eyes shut and prepared for the worst, and just had time to wonder where on earth Hilary had got a Terrible Wand of Pain from when the evil godmother gave a sharp whistle, and an entire squadron of Wizard Police jumped out from behind her couch and surrounded Hilary with drawn staffs, and ordered him to get down on the floor with his hands behind his head. As a red-faced and startled-looking Hilary had his hands cuffed behind his back, the evil godmother revealed that this entire business with the curse and the nose had been one big sting operation to bring an international dealer in illegal Wands of Pain out into the open. Eric was, despite his relief at still being alive, naturally devastated to discover that his wise and dependable sidekick was a criminal mastermind.

The wizard squad leader turned to the evil godmother then, and suggested to her that rather than take Hilary down to the station, why didn't they do something unspeakably awful to him here? The evil godmother agreed, and, with ghoulish enthusiasm, told the wizards that they were welcome to use her Horrible Rod of Misery to finish off their prisoner, and whipped the rod out of her handbag. It was black and spiky, and even more unpleasant to behold than Hilary's Terrible Wand of Pain, and made Eric feel quite faint looking at it. Then the wizards turned round and promptly arrested the evil godmother. As they were handcuffing her, Hilary revealed that the entire sting operation had, in fact, been a cover for another sting operation to expose a dealer in Horrible Rods of Misery.

The prince was most relieved to discover that his sidekick wasn't a complete scumbucket after all, and apologised profusely for being taken in by this deception. Hilary graciously forgave him and then suggested to the leader of the wizard squad that rather than take the evil godmother down to the station, why didn't they do something uspeakably awful to her here? The wizard leader agreed that this sounded like fun, and offered to let them use his Awful Stick of Ultimate Distress to do the job, and pulled something out of his robe that looked even more unpleasant than either - not only was it a horrible mouldy colour and not only did it smell like peanut-flavoured turpentine, but it also had scuzzy little bits dropping off it. Eric found himself feeling suddenly very sorry for the evil godmother, despite her wickedness. Then Hilary slapped a pair of handcuffs on the wizard leader and revealed that this had all been one big sting operation to expose an international Awful Stick of Ultimate Distress dealer.

And it was on this very improbable, final plot twist, that our story almost reaches its' conclusion. After everyone had waited about ten minutes just to see if anyone was going to reveal that the wizard leader's arrest had all been a front for another sting operation, they all decided that no, this was it, and the wizard squad hauled their disgraced leader down to the station, where he was put on trial and finally cut a deal and exposed his entire circle. Later on he escaped from wizard prison and emigrated to a far off country where he spent the rest of his miserable life as an entertainer at childrens' birthday parties. Meanwhile, Eric and Hilary arrived back at the kingdom to find that the evil godmother had lifted the nasty curse and the nose had gone off into the world to seek its' fortunes and maybe find the head that it belonged to. Naturally Eric had to marry the princess and then he and Hilary set off together to use their powers to battle wickedness and bring down evildoers. Then they would return home at the end of the week and he and the princess would try for a baby. And they all lived happily ever after except the leader of the wizard squad and the characters who died.

The End

2005-11-15T05:59:00.000-08:00

Film Pitch No. 5

The Ringtone

A female journalist discovers a mobile phone with a bizarre history... every incoming call is accompanied by the Crazy Frog ringtone, it's incessant "Ba-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-binging" causing its owners to chew their own legs off from sheer irritation within seven days. Will she be next?

2005-11-11T03:01:00.000-08:00

All I really need to know, I learned from Star Wars Episodes 1 - 3:

1. The way to treat a burn victim is to stick him in a black plastic suit while his body is still smoking.

2. The way to win over a beautiful girl is to incessantly whine at her.

3. Evil will triumph over good in the end, because evil is devious and resourceful, while good is just idiotic.

4. Women can become pregnant all on their own.

5. Even the nicest little ten year old kid can grow up to become a sadistic, child-murdering dictator.

6. Racial stereotyping is okay as long as your racial stereotypes are disguised as alien races.

7. Kiwi accents are genetic.

8. People who wear white are good. People who wear black are evil. If a good person starts wearing black, his downward slide into wickedness is assured.

9. If you argue with your wife, you could kill her.

10. Always give a moaning adolescent what he wants, or the consequences could be horrifying.

2005-11-01T08:13:00.000-08:00

*** Breaking News ***

The entertainment industry was shaken yesterday by the death of classical and pop singer Charlotte Church. Church, 21, had just finished recording her new album "I'm a Dirty Crack-Whore and Don't You Forget It" and had retired to her Sussex country mansion when she was attacked by a mystery intruder who broke into her bedroom with a bucket of water. The singer was rushed to hospital following the attack, but was pronounced "completely melted" by doctors on arrival. This is believed to be related to the shocking string of murders of female celebrities of the last six months, which include the death of actress and singer Lindsay Lohan, 19, who was crushed to death after being landed on by a house last June.

Members of the popular teen band, Son of Dork, appeared in court today, after being arrested for unlawful and dishonest imitation of an American band. The charges being brought against them are believed to include:
Singing with American accents.
Dressing like American teenagers.
Using American slang in their song titles and lyrics and even in the name of the band itself - examples being taken from their debut album "Ticket Outta Loserville".
Making American-looking pop videos featuring such stereotypical American imagery as cheerleaders shaking pom-poms.
At the end of the hearing, the judge ordered the band members to turn over their baseball caps, skateboards, M & Ms, Hershey bars, and sentenced them to a year of imprisonment with nothing to watch but old episodes of Eastenders, before informing them that they should consider themselves "like, totally busted".

2005-10-21T05:47:00.000-07:00

Film Pitch No. 4

Action Man the Movie

Action/horror starring Josh Hartnett

A soldier is horribly wounded in the Gulf War and taken to a top-secret government facility, where he wakes up to find that he has been rebuilt as part of a "super soldier" program. His entire body is now constructed of a super-tough, bullet proof plastic substance, his limbs are double-jointed, his hands are super-grip rubber, and he has super-powerful enhanced vision thanks to his new "Eagle eyes", which can unfortunately only be moved by wiggling a little lever in the back of his head from side to side. He is the ultimate weapon, programmed to destroy enemies of the state. However, he rebels against his masters and escapes to be reunited with his wife, who is distressed to discover that her husband's pants are now wielded onto his body.

2005-10-17T03:03:00.000-07:00

A Magical Adventure

Once upon a time there were two children who lived in a very boring town and their names were Robin and Sally. Robin and Sally’s father used to be in a pop band during the Eighties called Fun Fun Fun and he’d since then got a normal, boring job in a bank, but he still had a mullet and wore pink T-shirts and a snood in his spare time and made hideous noises on a Botempi organ in the garden shed. Their mum still loved him but she also found him really embarrassing and didn’t go to any of his old band’s revival concerts. One day, in the middle of the summer holidays, Robin and Sally were at home and they were really bored. There was nothing on TV except adverts for stairlifts and life insurance and gardening programmes, so they decided to play hide-and-seek since Mummy was hogging the X Box again.
It was Sally’s turn to seek and she was counting to 100 while Robin looked for somewhere to hide. He decided to go in the bathroom since it was the last place Sally would look since he seldom used it.
Just as he was closing the door, Robin heard a funny noise behind him. He turned to look and what should he see but a tiger climbing out of the toilet! It was a very big, scary looking tiger and Robin was too scared to move.
“Robin, Child of Earth,” the tiger boomed, its’ hot breath blowing in his face, “I have been sent from the magical world of Choomhimbahoom to fetch you…”
“AAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!” said Robin, “AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!”
“We need your help,” the tiger continued, “King Noblebeard has been captured by the Wicked Queen of Spanking, and she has turned the kingdom and all its’ subjects into marzipan. Only you can break the spell.”
“AAAAAAAAAA!!!” Robin said, “HHHELP!! TTTIGER! PPPPLEASE DON’T EAT ME!!!”
“Come with me now,” the tiger said, “There is little time, and we must enter the portal before the Queen finds out and sends her minions of darkness. Hurry!”
“MUMMY!!” Robin said, “MUMMY!! HELP!!”
“Look,” the tiger growled, finally losing patience, “Stop it!”
Robin wouldn’t stop it. He carried on screaming until the tiger finally became testy and gave a loud roar.
“Stop wailing!” he snapped, thrusting his furry snout in Robin’s face, “I was sent here to fetch a hero, not a blubbering little girl. Just shut up.”
The great animal’s proximity just made Robin’s fear even worse, and a hot stream of pee gushed down his trouser leg.
“That does it!” the tiger grunted. He picked the boy up roughly by the scruff of his neck, carried him, still screaming, to the toilet, and dragged him in. Robin grabbed desperately for the edge of the seat as he was pulled down, but to no avail. There was a loud flushing noise, and everything seemed to spin round as boy and tiger were transported to another world.

Chapter 2

When Robin regained conciousness the tiger was gone, his trousers were still wet, and he was lying in a forest. He heard a funny, squeaky little voice giggling, and turned to see a rabbit staring at him.
“Greetings, Child of Earth,” said the rabbit, “Welcome to Choomhimbahoom.”
“AAAAAAAAAAH!!!” said Robin, “A TALKING RABBIT!!!”
“Ssshh!” said the rabbit, “Do you want the Wicked Queen of Spanking to hear you?”
“I want to go home,” sniffled Robin.
“You can’t,” the rabbit replied, “You must break the evil Queen’s spell and rescue King Noblebeard and deliver the Nice People of the White City from being marzipan.”
“How am I supposed to do that?” Robin asked, although he had every intention of finding a toilet and diving into it at the first opportunity in the hope of returning to his own world.
“You must steal the Precious White Stone of Niceness from the tower of the Evil Wizard Who Chases People Down the Stairs,” said the rabbit, “It’s insanely, suicidally dangerous, but it’s the only way.”
Suddenly, the rabbit’s ears pricked up, as a sound came from somewhere nearby.
“It’s her!” he whispered. “Quick, climb into my rabbit hole.”
He leapt into a hole in the ground. Robin tried to follow him but any idiot knows that a rabbit hole is too small for a little boy to get into, and he got his head stuck instead. He wriggled and squirmed and made a high-pitched girly noise as SOMETHING came up behind him.
“It’s the Evil Queen!” hissed the rabbit from the safety of his warren, “Bad luck!”
“Help me!” squealed Robin.
“Stick your finger up her nose,” said the rabbit, “It’s her only weakness. It will make her explode.”
“What’s this then?” boomed a woman’s voice. Something grabbed the helpless boy by his trousers, pulled him out of the hole with a POP and flung him unceremoniously on the ground.
He looked up to see a seriously evil-looking bitch in a carriage with a pointy silver crown on her head. The carriage had six black wolves harnessed to it, and in the front was a gnome with a long beard and a laptop.
“Bring him to me!” ordered the Queen. The gnome put down his laptop and, leaping out of the carriage, grabbed Robin by his collar and thrust him at his mistress.
“Tell me your name, boy,” she said, “And where you have come from. Do not think of lying to me, for I am OW!”
She pulled Robin’s finger out of her nose, and looked very, very cross. She also didn’t explode.
“Tee hee hee!” chuckled the rabbit in his hole.
“That was very, very rude!!!” the Queen shrieked. “Let me show you why they call me the Wicked Queen of Spanking.”
With that, she put Robin over her knee, pulled down his trousers, and smacked him until his bottom was bright red.
“Now, Child of Earth,” she said sweetly, placing him down in the carriage next to her, “let us be friends. Would you like some chocolate buttons?”
“Y-y-y-yes please,” Robin said, the throbbing in his bum temporarily forgotten.
“NO! YOU’LL SPOIL YOUR DINNER!” the Queen screamed, and, whisking the boy onto her lap, she proceeded to smack him again, very, very hard.
“Now,” she said again, placing a quivering Robin back in the seat next, “let’s try again. Would you like some chocolate buttons?”
“N-n-n-no..” he snivelled.
“SO YOU WOULD REFUSE MY HOSPITALITY?!?” she shrieked, hefting Robin onto her knee and smacking him until his bum began to smoke. “INGRATE! I CAN SEE THAT SHALL HAVE TO TEACH YOU A FEW MANNERS!”
Her anger apparently spent, the Queen threw the boy into the bottom of her carriage and turned her attention to her attendant gnome.
“Well, Lord Why-Won’t-the-Bloody-Computer-Work? What shall we do with this Child of Earth? What say you?”
“The stupid thing’s packed up on me again!” the gnome grumbled distractedly, punching buttons on his laptop’s keyboard.
“Oh, let me see,” said the Queen, “Maybe you’ve got too many applications open. Try pressing the reset button.”
While both of them were distracted, Robin seized the opportunity to make a break for it. He leapt out of the carriage, and ran like the clappers, deep into the forest. The last thing he heard was the Queen saying “You’ve got coffee on it, you prat!”

Chapter 3

It wasn’t too long before Robin found himself hopelessly lost. The whole forest was repetitively forest-like and one clump of trees looked very much the same as another. It was beginning to grow dark and his tummy was rumbling and his bum still stung.
“I wish I was still at home in front of my nice warm Nintendo Game Cube”, he moaned.
Just as things were beginning to look really grim, Robin came across a clearing with a sweet little cottage in it. In the front garden there were rows of turnips and cabbages, and smoke curled up out of the chimney. There was a soft light coming from behind the drawn curtains in the windows.
“Maybe there’s someone here who can help me,” Robin said to himself. As he drew near, the sweet little front door opened and a furry head with a black snuffling nose poked out. A pair of dark eyes blinked uncertainly in the light, and a round, fat hedgehog shuffled into view.
Robin was about to introduce himself, when the hedgehog pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun and levelled it at his head.
“Get off my land!” the creature yelled, and pulled the trigger. Fortunately, it was a poor shot, and the cloud of buckshot went wide of the mark as Robin turned and ran for his life.
“Trod all over my cabbages, the little blighter!” growled the hedgehog as he stomped back indoors for another cup of tea and a slice of caterpillar cake.

Chapter 4

Robin might have wandered in the forest for a very, very long time if the writer of this tale hadn’t started to get bored, and provided a way to move the story along. Just as our hopeless hero was staggering along, on the verge of collapse, he fell into a clump of magic mushrooms. Now, these weren’t the kind of magic mushrooms that his dad had told him about (the fun kind), these were the sort of magic mushrooms that are occasionally used as contrived plot devices to transport characters from one scene to another in order to save time.
When Robin got up, therefore, he found himself indoors – to be precise, on the top floor of an evil wizard’s tower. He didn’t at first assume it was an evil wizard’s tower, although the spell books, jars of animal body parts and magic mirror sort of gave it away.
However, these weren’t the things that drew Robin’s attention. What drew his eye straight away was the toilet in the corner of the room. It was a very nasty toilet, the kind of cracked, white porcelain thing with a rusty chain and a wonky seat, that you would find in a school or a wizard’s study.
Taken with the possibility that this might be a portal back to his own world, the boy walked over to it, and taking a deep breath, dived into it head-first.
There was a loud crack and a splosh as Robin’s head collided with the bottom of the toilet bowl. This was, in fact just a toilet. (Even wizards have to go sometime.)
Unfortunately, as he staggered across the room, clutching his head and trying not to cry, Robin knocked over a pedestal with a crystal ball on top of it.
“Ow!” screamed the crystal ball as it hit the floor, “Watch it, you little brute!”
This woke up the magic broomstick that was resting in the corner.
“OY!” it roared, “WOT’S GOING ON?!?”
This roused the sleeping colony of bats that were dangling from the ceiling.
“EEEK! EEEEK!” they squeaked, “Intruder! Intruder!”
There was a grunting and a shuffling from the next room as the wizard, who had been in bed, asleep, got up and put on his slippers. In a panic, dodging the bats’ leathery flapping wings, Robin made for the door and began running down the stairs.
Alas, it was a very, very long flight of stairs, for this was the home of the Evil Wizard Who Chases People Down the Stairs and Robin ran as fast as he could, with the pounding of heavy footsteps following above him. Every time he looked up, he would see a head with a pointy hat and a furious expression peering down at him over the banister. This went on for a very very long time, until Robin was out of breath and wheezing and had a stitch in his side. Just when he thought he could go on no longer, he heard a loud giggling to his left, and he turned to see the talking rabbit sliding down the banister.
“There’s only one way to break the wizard’s power,” said the rabbit, “You have to turn round, and run back up the stairs at him. Otherwise you’ll be chased down the stairs forever.”
With that he shot off down the banister into the darkness.
Summoning up his courage, Robin turned around and began, with shaking legs, to make his way back up the staircase. “I can do it!” he muttered to himself, swallowing down his fear, “I can do it! I can confront the nasty wizard!” He carried on repeating this to himself until he came face to face with the wizard, who picked him up by both ears and gave him a massive kick up the bottom, and then carried him squirming and screaming upstairs and into his study, where he threw the boy into a big cage in the corner and slapped a padlock on it.

Chapter 5

Poor Robin! It would have gone very badly with him then, had he been abandoned to the mercy of his captor, who had every intention of keeping him in the cage and letting him go once a week just so he could chase him down the stairs again. As it happened, just at that moment, a gruff voice from outside the door said, “Right, that’s enough!” and the tiger burst into the room. With a single swipe he knocked the wizard’s head off, and turned to confront Robin who was cowering in the bottom of the cage and trying to be as invisible as possible.
“You,” said the tiger, demolishing the cage with one swing of his mighty paw, “are the most useless Child of Earth I have ever come across. I send you here to perform a simple deed like breaking the power of a wicked witch and freeing a bunch of nice people from her spell, and you cock it up utterly.”
“Well, why didn’t you do it then if you’re so blinking powerful?” screamed Robin in a temper, his mortal terror of big carnivorous animals temporarily forgotten.
“BECAUSE I WAS BUSY!!” the tiger roared back, “GOOD GRIEF, DO YOU THINK I’VE BEEN SITTING AROUND ON MY BACKSIDE PICKING MY NOSE WHILE YOU’VE BEEN HERE MESSING ABOUT? FIRST I HAD TO SEND JENNY AND JEREMY FISHPOLE OF STOKE-ON-TRENT TO THE LAND OF BIBBLEBOOB TO FIND THE LOST PRINCE OF BURPOPALIS, THEN I HAD TO RESCUE DANIEL SACKVILLE-BAGG OF SOUTH CROYDON FROM THE CLUTCHES OF THE GIDDY GNOMES SO HE COULD RESTORE COLOUR TO THE KINGDOM OF WIDDYWEE AND THEN I HAD TO CARRY BETSY DEEDLE TO THE UNDERSEA KINGDOM OF POSEIDOS SO SHE COULD SING THE SONG OF AWAKENING AND BRING THE WATER GERBILS OF ORATHOTHAHOM BACK TO LIFE!!!
“Oh, come on,” he said, abruptly, looking very tired. “Let’s go.” <>With that, he scooped Robin up onto his back and walked towards the door.
“Grab that Precious White Stone of Niceness for me, could you?” he said as they walked out of the room.

Chapter 6

It didn’t take long for the tiger to use the Stone’s power to free King Noblebeard and his subjects from the Evil Queen’s spell and restore their city to its’ former glorious state. The Nice People of the White City were very glad to be freed from their marzipan curse, even the ones who had had bits nibbled off them by squirrels, and there was great rejoicing in the streets. The men and women danced together and sang:

“Hoorah, hoorah, O happy day,
The power of wrong is broken,
And we are free, hooray hooray,
Let happy words be spoken!
Tra la la-la la la-la nonny-nonny-la!
And other such nonsense. And the children joined in, playing on little instruments and making wreaths and necklaces out of flowers, and the talking rabbits and mice and birdies joined in, gambolling round in a joyful dance.
“I expect they’ll carry on like this for a good couple of months,” the tiger muttered to Robin. “I’m off!” With that he turned and disappeared into the nearest manhole.

Chapter 7

After that, Robin lived in the White City for a long while, and to begin with he really enjoyed it. The sun always shone, the girls were all well fit, and the air was very clean. There was no school, no dentist and no cabbage for dinner.
However, after the first five years, he began to grown tired of life among the Nice People. They were always, always being positive and happy about everything, they had seriously uncool haircuts, and their taste in music was appalling. He missed his computer games, he missed being able to tell dirty jokes without being frowned at and he missed his family.
One day, having got in trouble for kicking an irritating singing mouse, and confined by the King to his room, Robin decided he had had enough.
“Please, somebody, get me out of here!!!” he cried.
“You must leave the same way you arrived, Robin Son of Earth,” said an eerie voice from nowhere in particular, “But know this: That one who leaves the land of Chimhoombahoom can never return, for this is the way of the old magic, that once childhood has been left behind and adulthood embraced, there is no way back to…”
“Oh, whatever,” said Robin, and he got into the toilet (feet first, so as to avoid any accidents like last time) and felt himself being sucked back into his own world.

Chapter 8

Robin’s mother was very surprised when she entered the bathroom to find her son, dripping wet, getting out of the toilet and getting water all over the floor. After she had recovered from the shock, she gave him a severe telling-off, dismissing his stories of his adventures in the magical land of Chimhoombahoom as “very worrying” and booked an appointment with the school counsellor.
Robin, meanwhile, was very surprised to find that he hadn’t aged a day, and it was still the same time in his own world that it was when he left it.
“In Chimhoombahoom,” whispered the eerie voice, “a thousand years is but a single day in your own world.”
“So I’ve still got to go to the dentist tomorrow?” thought Robin, “Pants!!!”

THE END

2005-10-03T03:02:00.000-07:00

An exerpt from Friday Night with John Cheeseman, broadcast 30/09/2005 21:30

John is interviewing Nicole Kidman, movie actress.

J.C.: So, Nicole, you've just got a new film out, also starring Anthony Hopkins. Could you tell us a bit about it?
N.K.: Yeah, it's called 'Storm in a teacup', and Anthony plays this English university teacher, and I play this mysterious woman, this drifter who sort of wanders into his life, and it's all kind of enigmatic. I can't say much more without giving it away...
J.C.: Sounds intriguing. You're also due to appear in a film with Jennifer Lopez, I believe.
N.K.: Yeah, it's been a busy month....Jennifer Lopez, yeah, well, it's not...all of her....you see....she plays this woman who's caught in an explosion...
J.C.: Oh, dear!
N.K.: Yeah....and all that's left of her is her bum. And I play this woman who's also caught in the same explosion and I survive, but my bum gets blown off. So the only way to save my life is to graft her bum onto my body. It's all done with computers. And the bum has a sort of life of its own, and it starts to behave wierdly and do all these sinister things....
J.C.: Sounds scary. What's it called?
N.K.: The Darkness Behind.
J.C.: I notice that you tend to balance the serious dramas with slightly lighter hollywood...I hate to use the term, but popcorn movies..
N.K.: Yeah..
J.C.: ...but you bring a sort of good, old fashioned hollywood glamour to them as well. Do you find that you tend to get rather...shoehorned into the glamourous roles?
N.K.: Well, no, not really. I mean, all my projects have been things that I've been interested in to some extent, or I wouldn't do them, y'know?
J.C.: Fwub a dub.
N.K.: Sorry?
J.C.: Bwah. Nothing. What I was saying was, have you ever felt tempted to do what Charlize Theron has done, for example, and sort of "ugly up" for a role?
N.K.: Well, I did that film, the Hours, where they gave me that big nose...
J.C.: Oh, yes, ha ha. Of course, but aside from that have you ever bwuuuhh hubba wubba wuffle wuurrrb...
N.K.: Excuse me?
J.C.: Wiffle blaaaah wubagub spliffle weeee....
N.K.: What's going on? Are you....melting?!?
Studio technician: Oh, my goodness....the lights are too hot! Turn them down!!!!
J.C.: Blaaaaahhhhfffiffflewip..
He leans forward in his seat, visibly wilting, his features sagging. He grabs the stunned Nicole Kidman's knees before toppling, melty face first, into her lap.
J.C.: Pfif!
N.K.: EEEEEEEEEEK!!!! GET OFF ME!!!!!
The technicians run onto the studio floor and yank John off the gibbering actress' lap.
J.C.: Pfifflefifflefifflepsssssssssss.....
Head technician: Quick, get him to a fridge. AND TURN THAT CAMERA OFF!!!

2005-09-14T06:16:00.000-07:00

Mungo's Lovely Picnic

It was a beautiful, sunny morning. Mungo leapt out of bed, and stretched and yawned.
"What a lovely day," he said. "Just right for a picnic."
Mungo phoned his friend, Runcie Wibblespoon, who agreed that it was a lovely day, and said they should take his car and drive to the countryside.
Mungo went into the kitchen and packed his picnic basket.
He packed:
A pot of Auntie Bessie's strawberry jam.
A loaf of bread.
A pat of butter.
Two round shiny apples.
A knife for spreading the butter and jam on the bread.
"Goodbye, cat," he said to Patches, his cat.
"Goodbye, dog," he said to Snuffles, his dog.
"Goodbye, fish," he said to Bubbles, his fish.
"Goodbye, flowers," he said to his flowers in the front garden. They all waved to see him go.
Runcie was waiting for him in the car.
"My," said Mungo. "Your car looks shiny this morning."
"I washed it yesterday," said Runcie. "You can see your face in it."
The car tooted merrily. Mungo put his picnic basket in the back, and they were all ready to set off!
As they sped along, they passed PC Bugstable on his bicycle. He waved to them and skidded off the road and hit a tree in an explosion of blood. Mungo screamed as the policeman's intestines hit him across the back of his head.

Later on, they found a field, where there was a nice shady spot under a tree. There they laid out their picnic cloth, opened the picnic basket, and sat down to have their lunch.
"What a lovely, sunny day," said Runcie.
"Yes," said Mungo. "Would you like some bread and jam?"
"Ooooh, yes please," said Runcie, "Yum yum!"
Mungo made a jam sandwich for himself and one for Runcie. They both agreed it was the best jam they had ever tasted.
"Who made this jam?" asked Runcie.
"Auntie Bessie," said Mungo.
"It's lovely," said Runcie.
"She made it with strawberries from her own garden," said Mungo.
"Ghah!" said Runcie as a low-flying bird flew into his neck and its sharp beak penetrated deep into his throat. He spat blood all over the picnic cloth, then fell over backwards. As he writhed in agony, blood sprayed out of his ears, nose, mouth, and eyes, until finally, with a wet 'Pop!' his eyeballs shot out. Mungo screamed and tried to cover the food.

Later that evening, Mungo arrived home. It had been a long, exciting day, and he was tired.
"Hello, flowers," he said to the flowers in his garden.
"Hello, cat," he said to Patches, his cat.
"Hello, dog," he said to Snuffles, his dog.
"Hello, fish," he said to Bubbles, his fish.
First he fed the fish. Can you guess what he gave him? A nice sprinkle of fish-food.
Then he fed the cat. Can you guess what he gave him? A nice juicy fish.
Then he fed the dog. Can you guess what he gave him? A nice juicy cat.
Then he had his supper. Can you guess what he had for supper? A nice juicy dog.
Finally it was time for bed. Mungo yawned. It had been a lovely day. He went upstairs to his bedroom.
First he put on his pyjamas. They were white with blue stripes on.
Then he put on his dressing-gown. It was yellow with green frogs on it.
Then he put on his slippers. They were purple and fluffy and looked like bunnies.
Then he went into the bathroom. It was time to clean his teeth before bed. He took out his electric toothbrush.
First he cleaned his top teeth.
Then he cleaned his bottom teeth.
Then he cleaned them up and down.
Then he cleaned them side-to-side.
Then the toothbrush slipped and ripped his face off.
Mungo screamed as the blood sprayed all over the walls. His face fell off the still-vibrating toothbrush and landed in a floppy wet heap on the toilet seat before slithering off into the loo. As he flailed around, Mungo accidentally leaned on the flush, and flushed his face. Old Mrs
Crotchington next door banged on the wall and yelled at him to be quiet. He staggered over to the wall, moaning and groaning, and fell out of the bathroom window, to be impaled on the railings below, where a pack of squirrels, maddened by the smell of blood, leapt on him and tore out his entrails.
What a day it had been!

The End

2005-09-12T03:27:00.000-07:00

Film Pitch No. 3

A noble, brave, heroic warrior escapes from the epic sword'n'sandals movie that he inhabits into the real world. There he is horrified to discover that the actor who plays him is a bad-tempered bully who throws phones at hotel staff.

2005-09-08T03:14:00.000-07:00

The Condensed Matrix Trilogy

Computer hacker Neo discovers that he is the Chosen One. He is killed and comes back to life.

Agent Smith: How did he do that?
Morpheus: He is the Chosen One.
Agent Smith: Is that all the explanation we're going to get?

Neo kills Agent Smith. Agent Smith comes back to life.

Neo: How did you do that?
Agent Smith: I am your arch nemesis, the anti-Chosen One.
Neo: Is that all the explanation we're going to get?

Morpheus: Let's free the human race from the tyranical rule of the machines.
Neo: Yes, let's.
Machines: We're more powerful than you.
Morpheus: Oh, please don't kill us!

Neo: I'll get rid of Agent Smith for you, since you are unable to do so yourselves for no apparent reason.
Machines: Pathetic, isn't it? Go on then, and we'll spare your miserable race this time.

Neo fights Smith. The fight ends with something happening, but it isn't clear what.
Morpheus: Well, we're still living under the tyranical rule of the machines and our Chosen One is dead, and hundreds of people are still being used as machine food, but...um...the war is over. Hooray!

The End

2005-09-08T03:06:00.000-07:00

Film Pitch no. 2
Independence Day 2
The aliens return with antivirus.

2005-09-02T00:42:00.000-07:00

***Breaking news***
A hideous freak accident has resulted in the bodies of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera being fused together into one blonde, female, twentysomething, scantily-clad, controversial pop starlet. Following intensive medical and psychological treatment, the newly-combined celebrities have chosen to continue their/her career/s under the name of Britnina Spaguelera, dividing all royalties between their/her former agents, and tossing a coin in order to decide between acting and singing projects.

2005-08-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

Film Pitch No. 1
Noddy the Movie
Update of the kids favourite, starring the cream of the British film industry. Aside from the token Yanks.
Starring:
Jude Law as Noddy

John C. Reilly as Big Ears
Gwyneth Paltrow as Tessie Bear
Ray Winstone as Mr. Plod
Gary Oldman as Evil Golliwog
Tim Roth as a Goblin
Ewan McGregor as Another Goblin
Plot Synopsis
Plot? Plot? Who needs a plot? Come on, everyone remembers Noddy! This'll be a sell-out. And imagine the potential for Happy Meal tie-ins.

A Speculation:
In an alternative universe that is very close to our own, Catherine Zeta-Jones, a hairdresser, walks into a small greengrocer's owned by Michael Douglas.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: A pound of plums please.
Michael Douglas: Here you go madam.
Catherine Zeta-Jones: Thank you good sir.
Michael Douglas: You are most welcome. I say, would you like to go out for a drink sometime?
Catherine Zeta-Jones: On your bike you old fossil!

My alternative cast list for Lord of the Rings:
Ant & Dec as Frodo and Sam
Alan Titchmarsh as Pippin
Keith Chegwin as Merry
Noddy Holder as Bilbo
David Copperfield as Gandalf
The Great Suprendo as Saruman (Hiff paff poof!)
Christopher Biggins as Wormtongue
Callista Flockhart as Gollum
Leonard Nimoy as Legolas
Lionel Richie as Aragorn
Kate Winslet as Gimli