FANTASY VILLAIN DEATHMATCHYes, ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of year again, when tyrants, overlords, overfiends and arch-monstrosities from every corner of the universe get their chance to prove themselves the baddest mothers in this or any other world by kicking the black snot out of each other. The contestants this time around are:
Calibos
Clash of the Titans (1981)
Darkness
Legend (1985)
The Beast
Krull (1983)
Sauron
Lord of the Rings (2001)
The Nome King
Return to Oz (1985)
The White Witch
The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
The Nothing
The Neverending Story (1984)Round 1: The White Witch vs the Nome KingThe White Witch attempts to use her magic wand to turn the Nome king into stone. A futile effort, since the Nome King is made of stone already. While she is busy fumbling around in her handbag looking for another diabolical device to use against him, His Royal Nomeness turns her into stone and takes her head to give to his girlfriend. There is a loud cheer as a bunch of talking animals get to go out and enjoy the sunshine again.
Round 2: The Nome King vs SauronMaking one of his rare appearances outside Mount Doom, the "Middle-Earth Mauler" towers over his stony opponent, only to find himself abruptly looking upwards as the Nome King demonstrates his size-changing ability to terrifying effect. It's difficult to make out Sauron's reactions behind his spiky helmet, but it's probably safe to assume that it's getting very wet inside that armoured suit. Unfazed by either fiery sorcery or magic rings, the rocky monolith proceeds to pick the Dark Lord up and crack him into bite-sized pieces like a lobster. A lot of crunching and munching later, and the Nome King is licking his gravelly lips while Sauron, finding himself not only separated from the finger bearing his precious ring, but also from every other finger plus his hands, arms, legs and torso, makes a swift retreat to his dark lair to recuperate.
Round 3: Darkness vs CalibosOvercome by an attack of "horn envy", Calibos succumbs to Darkness' teasing and orders his stop-motion double to tear Big Red's giant ears off. Unfortunately, said stop-motion double is only a few inches tall and is no match for his demonic opponent, who bends him into a pretzel. The ensuing clash, as the real Calibos and Darkness bang heads, sees the "Greek Grappler" come off second best before Big Red demonstrates why huge tails are a major disadvantage for a villain, using his rival's tail to swing him repeatedly into the ground until he resembles a blob of hairy jam. Calibos makes one last whining entreaty to his mum before expiring.
Round 4: The Beast vs DarknessA nasty one this. These two have been itching to get at each other for years, each having been accusing the other of ripping off his "big evil scheme" (corrupt and win over innocent princess to be bride, take over the world, duel with the dashing hero, etc.). There are a few tedious moments of challenging roars before these two handsome specimens lay into each other, grappling and groping like muscly lovers. The Beast quickly gains the upper hand by commanding his stony fortress of evil to crash down on Darkness' head. Big Red is not to be so easily squelched, however, and, after crawling out from underneath the unwieldy structure, uses his "magic mirror" trick to sneak up behind the Beast and gore him into grey pate. There are a few moments of confusion as the Beast's fortress of evil does its crumbling and falling up into space in pieces thing.
Round 5: The Nome King vs Sauron part 2Having spent a while recovering in the form of a giant flaming eye, Sauron returns to the ring rejuvenated and suited up for another round with the Nome King, only to find that his rival has popped out for a lunch break and.....silly boy!.....ingested half of an egg and cress sandwich, leaving a rubbly mess all over the canteen floor. Foul play is suspected....
Round 6: Sauron vs DarknessClearly disadvantaged from the outset, not only is Darkness several heads shorter than the "Middle-Earth Mauler", but has grown soft and flabby from only having cute widdle pixies and dwarves to push around, while hard-as-nails Sauron eats whole alliances of elves and men for breakfast. Darkness initially attempts to cut his foe down to size with his Big Scary Sword, but only succeeds in breaking it on Sauron's armour (isn't there a rule about competitors taking armour with them into the ring, by the way? Must look that up). After a lot of ducking and dodging and ineffectual roaring, Big Red finally makes a feeble effort to impale the Dark Lord on his oversized antlers, the Dark Lord's response being a swift kick in Big Red's pointy teeth before opening the nearest window to let in the sun. There is a whiff of something resembling barbecued ox as Darkness (who forgot that sunblock again, berk) succumbs to his allergy. Sauron shakes his fists and wobbles his pointy head in victory. All this goes to show that, no matter how powerful a devil you are, it's still a bad idea to keep on and on talking out loud about your One Big Weakness.
Round 7: Sauron vs The NothingOh, dear, this is a bit of an anticlimax. Having made it through to the final round, our favourite tin-plated tyrant steels himself (no pun intended!) for the ultimate smackdown with the natural enemy of fictional characters everywhere, only to be sucked into oblivion, magic ring and all. Sad. Finding itself on a roll, The Nothing then proceeds to vacuum up everything in sight, before the realisation that it is itself a made-up plot device leads it to negate itself, leaving the judges of the contest with a distressing lack of anyone to award the Hardest Fantasy Villain trophy to. That said, the universe is now a slightly safer place to live in.
